When Nature Calls
by blakdove
Summary: What do you answer first: the Batsignal, or nature's call?


Disclaimer: I don't own these guys. I wish I did, but if wishes were horses, there wouldn't be any grass left on good ol' Mother Earth. Don't sue me.   
  
I'm not sure if this belongs in the Batman section or the Nightwing section, but since Nightwing is my favorite, I've put it here...  
  
This takes place shortly after Tim Drake becomes Robin.   
  
  
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When Nature Calls  
by blakdove  
  
  
A piece of advice for all you aspiring masked vigilantes out there: never, EVER drink four glasses of lemonade before going out on patrol. Just don't do it. Trust me, I know. I learned the hard way last night.  
  
I mean, can you blame me? It's the middle of July here! So Dick and I were hanging out at my dad's house, just playing some one-on-one. I was whippin' him, too. Well, maybe whipping is a strong word. But winning, definitely.   
  
Well, ok, so we tied. I'm not afraid to admit an opponent's strengths.  
  
Alright already! So I lost miserably, ya happy now?  
  
Anyway, we were out there for like two hours. It was fun, just hanging out, he and I. He's like a big brother to me, y'know? He can relate. He's been there. So we were taking our sweet time, kinda lingering around. So when we finally decided to go inside, we were pretty sweaty and tired and thirsty. And who was inside waiting for us if not Mrs. McGuinness, our housekeeper, with a big pitcher of ice-cold lemonade to cool us off and a platter of sugar cookies.   
  
Man, that stuff was so good! I didn't even realize how I downed two full glasses of it. Dick was still nursing one. He gave me a funny look.  
  
"You going out tonight?" he asked cautiously.  
  
"Uh-huh," I managed in between gulps and through a mouthful of cookie.   
  
"You really should lay off that stuff, then. Trust me, I know, I learned the hard way," he said. I waved him off, saying I'll be fine, and poured myself another glass. And another.   
  
By the time I got to the Cave, I was feeling it. No biggie, I figured and went upstairs to use the facilities before changing into my suit. And it really was no biggie after that.  
  
For about half an hour.  
  
The Batmobile hadn't even reached its destination yet, and already I was starting to get a little twinge in my bladder, but figured I'd be all right. Anyway, we were supposed to stake out this major drug deal about to go down on 4th and Smithton. So we get there, park the car, and position ourselves on the roof of a nearby building. Batman assumed his stakeout stance and ceased all motion. He doesn't even blink when he does that. I'm not even sure if he BREATHES. I dunno how that's humanly possible, but I wouldn't put it past him.   
  
I was getting just a teeny bit antsy by that point, but from what we knew, the deal was going to go down in an hour or so, and it should be quick and painless after that. I figured I could hold out that long.   
  
And I did.   
  
Problem is, the hour passed, but those creeps hadn't shown up yet. By that point I was getting edgy. I knew I'd have to go soon. Another hour passed, and they STILL hadn't shown. Well, by then I was trying to just keep my legs together and hang on for dear life. What felt like hours passed. Glancing at my chronometer, I saw that it had only been 7 minutes. Dammit. Where were they?   
  
More time passed. I was starting to do that little dance, y'know, when you can't hold it anymore? Like when you were five? Batman breaks his stone-still stance and gives me a look. "You ok?" "Fine," I manage to squeak through clenched teeth. Inside my head, I'm screaming, No, I'm not fine, I gotta GO, dammit! I gotta go bad! I was starting to wonder if it was really terrible to just go behind the A.C. tower and go there.  
  
Just when I thought I'd wet my short pants, their majesties the drug-dealing pond scum show up. Batman waits a second and then gives me the signal, "Let's go!" and leaps off the building, shooting out his line.  
  
I don't know if you've ever tried free-falling with a full bladder. Well, it's NOT fun. Moving in general when you're like that is not fun. But, I'm thinking, we'll crack a few skulls and then we'll be done, so I jump off after Batman.   
  
Yikes. I thought the forecast of clear skies with zero chance of rain for the night was gonna change as I flew over the street. I used one of Batman's Tibetan mind tricks and willed my unruly bladder into submission.  
  
So we land, knocking down a couple of bad guys in the process. Pow! Bang! Wham! Batman kicks out, knocking down a thug. Another one pulls a gun, so I shoot a Batarang into his wrist and knock it out of his hand. Batman jumps and simultaneously kicks two guys in the chins, slumping them to the ground. I roundhouse another one as he's reaching for his piece.   
  
And then another one I didn't see sneaks up on me and whacks me in the stomach, not even all that hard. God, I thought I was gonna die right then and there. What are you laughing at? It wasn't funny! So by this point I'm royally pissed off (pun intended) and I punch the guy's lights out. Few more kicks and punches from me and the Bat, and the guys who stuck around long enough are all on the ground unconscious. So we cuff them and Batman gives a call to Gordon's men to come and pick up their present. He turns to return to the Batmobile, but turns back when he realizes I'm not following.  
  
"What is it?" he says in his usual raspy Bat-voice. "I....I gotta go!" I whimper. It's a good thing he was wearing that mask, otherwise I swear he'd have turned me to ashes with his glare. "Alright," he ascends. I turn to run off and then realize that I have absolutely no idea where to go. I can't just stroll into a nearby McDonald's in my Robin suit and ask to use their bathroom, now, can I? "Um...where's the bathroom?" I ask ever so timidly, but the glare he gives me says that he's washed his hands of me.  
  
I take off on a run into the nearest alley while activating my intercom. Oracle sounds impatient and very, very displeased. I guess I woke her up. "Uh, Oracle? Sorry I woke you... um... I said I was sorry, ok? Yeah, it's an emergency. Could you trace my location and tell me where the nearest bathroom is?"   
There is stunned silence on the other end of the line. I hear a voice in the background and she quickly relates the situation. I'm not sure, but I think it's Dick's. Guess that's why Babs was so ticked. My bladder is screaming for mercy. "Uh, Babs? The bathroom?" I interject. I can hear her punching keys and in a few more seconds she gives me the directions. Lucky for me there's a public restroom right around the corner.  
  
I check just to make sure. There's no one there. I dash inside and lock myself in a stall. Thank you, God! I scream to myself.  
  
Then I realize that I'm wearing a full-body Kevlar/rubber/nylon body suit. Dammit! I fumble to take it off, but, of course, it's not cooperating. Surprise, surprise. Besides, it's still hot outside and it's sticking to me from the sweat. Finally I manage to peel it off, not a minute too soon.  
  
I waltz out of the bathroom with the hugest grin of relief on my face. Batman is waiting for me and we get into the Batmobile. As we drive back to the Cave, he does something I've never seen him do before.  
  
He busts out laughing.  
  
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I think. Dick and Babs will never let me forget this one. Bruce probably won't either, but at this point, I'm too happy to care. Funny the little things that can make a guy happy.  
  
So, heed my advice. Don't ever, EVER drink four glasses of lemonade before going on patrol. Just don't do it.  
  
The End.  
  
P.S. Please excuse my momentary madness. I haven't slept in two days. What do you expect? 


End file.
